RFA Talk > How do I know I'm in the care of a Higher Power?

Hi everybody,
I haven't been contributing much to RFA Talk lately but just a few moments ago, I was moved to do so. I'm not sure that anyone will understand this like you guys.
How do I know I'm in the care of a Higher Power?
This is really a two part question. Part one is answered by that line in the Big Book: God is either everything or he is nothing. He either is or he isn't. What was our choice to be?
So I choose that God is. And since this doesn't say anything about who god is or what god does, I get to decide that. God is the god of MY understanding. And I think god cares for me, so logic dictates that I'm in the care of a Higher Power.

But sometimes logic leaves something to be desired.

To give you the background for this, I was just reading a spiritual book which has these lines: "Our sincere desire counts far more than any specific success or failure. Thus when we try to pray and cannot, or when we fail in a sincere attempt to be compassionate, God touches us tenderly in return." Prior to reading this, I was feeling alone, in a lot of pain. Upon reading it I thought, yeah, really? If I were being touched tenderly by god, I wouldn't be feeling so much pain!
And thank god for so many years of training in 12 Steps because what I've learned here is to consider if my thoughts are really true or not.

Part two of the question gets answered by noticing what I wasn't doing while experiencing a lot of pain. I wasn't bingeing. Period. Which is evidence to me that not only is god there, but he is touching me tenderly.

Recovery and abstinence never says that I won't feel pain and sometimes, it will be severe. What recovery does say is that I don't have to binge or eat sugar, flour or wheat and that I don't have to be alone.

This is why I'm grateful for the discipline of examining my thoughts. When I was eating addictively, I couldn't consider that things were other than I believed them to be; that would have upset my ability to eat addictively. What I've learned in recovery is that my belief system is developed over time, based on my experiences and my reactions to them and MAY BE INCORRECT. In the Circles exercise, Kay says to be careful for the question "Is it true?" Because a thought comes from my belief system, it seems true, but if it produces toxic feelings, it is a false belief.

I look at my thoughts objectively and become willing to let them go if I determine, through a process like Circles and work with another addict, that they are false. My ego doesn't like this so well and I think it has a lot to do with the extreme pain I was feeling earlier today! What a ride! Whew!

I really am in a partnership with my Higher Power where I am making the most sincere effort that I can toward god and god is touching me tenderly. And honestly, sometimes my most sincere effort isn't very sincere. So i'm glad that god as I understand god always closes the gap and meets me where I am. But when I'm not open to the possibility that this is happening, I feel abandoned every time and start thinking about what I can use to feel better.

It's amazing how reaching out just a little bit can turn things around. I appreciate you reading and more than that, just having the space to express myself. The work that we do in this fellowship supporting food addicts is good and I'm happy to belong here.


March 3, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKasey in ATL