RFA Talk > I never saw that coming

Hi all. Sometime back I made a commitment to post here at least once a week. I'm starting today!

A couple of weeks ago I was preparing dinner with my boyfriend Paul. I had a new idea that I wanted to tell him about, so I started talking. He seemed less than interested. So I asked if he wanted to hear about it then and I guess he said no or not now. I don't really remember, but we started talking about something else.

I didn't feel hurt or angry or rebuffed. When it was time to serve dinner, though, I didn't measure my vegetables. And then I didn't like the meal very much. It did have some real challenges - the broccoli had gotten cold, my potato wasn't cooked the way I like it, and the fish was a little mushy. Plus, I couldn't get a word in edgewise all during dinner.

After dinner, I went outside and the neighbor was out there smoking. When I smelled the smoke, I instantly wanted a cigarette. I haven't smoked since 2006. So I knew something was up and I needed some help. I reached out to an RFA friend and prayed. The urge to act out with food or other substances passed and I was grateful.

What is interesting about all of this to me is how subtle everything was. I never consciously felt angry or hurt. Did I intentionally neglect measuring my broccoli because I was angry about getting cutout from sharing my ideas? I'm not sure. I didn't do that consciously, but it is what happened. Did I want a cigarette because I had acted willfully and opened the door to addictive behavior? I don't know but it is what happened.

Not having addictive substances in my body gave me the time to think it through and reach out for help. And continued working of the Steps has given me the opportunity to think about what happened and pray and meditate. If I had eaten something addictive, I would have been back in the addictive cycle instead of being able to see this clearly.

What I see clearly is that it is easy for me to yield to someone else. It's not always easy for me to say what I need. It is, in fact, not always easy for me to even recognize what I need in the moment. But I can watch my actions and see that I am acting out and then work backward from there. This is the idea in the circles. I don't know what the unconscious belief is, but if I start with the feeling, I can work backward.

It's scary to think about asking for what I want. It's scary to challenge someone and not to yield. But scary as it may be, the alternative is the addictive cycle. I"m an addict; it's just where I go.

I'm grateful for a new opportunity at life today with good people in this program and a sweet man who wants to support me. I just have to let him know how to do that. I'll keep you posted.


June 19, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterKasey in ATL